Today is March 10, 2010. 8 days from now will be Kristin and I's 6 month anniversary. 6 months of smiling, crying, laughing, fear, doubt, worry, bickering, and joy. 6 months that I would not trade anything for.
God has been more than active in our marriage. The other night, while, for reasons I cannot explain, I was watching the Bachelor with my wife, I decided to take a break from the excitement of the show and watch our wedding DVD. Not sure why I had such an urge to do it, just felt like doin' it. God spoke to me every minute I watched our wedding ceremony. From the moment I first gazed upon my beautiful fiance in her dazzling dress, to the moment we danced off the stage as Mr. and Mrs. Martin. I couldn't stop myself from smiling and my eyes never felt dry. It was a beautiful day.
'How bad do you want it, and how hard are you willing to work to get it'? Over the past several days, this question has been burning deep within my heart. I knew that God was asking me, but what I didn't know was why. How bad do I want what? Doesn't answering that part of the question inevitably answer the second part? If I want it bad enough, then I am going to work hard enough to get it. Right? Wrong.
During the exchange of our vows, I lost it on stage. I knew I would. But, what I didn't know, is that I would do the same thing again....watching it! Are you kidding me? This time was different though. The tears felt...painful. I wasn't quite sure why. I thought my vows were awesome! I talked about putting God first in all things, being a student of my wife, loving her as Jesus loves His Church, and even giving myself up for her...
Giving myself up for my wife....that's where the pain came from. That's a big vow to make; and it's a vow that has come up short on my end. I've come to realize that in the past 6 months, my ego has gotten a lot bigger. Pride has revealed itself to be a major player in our marriage. I don't like it. Kristin and I are life-partners: WE make decisions TOGETHER for what WE feel is best for OUR family. This is teamwork, not individualism.
I haven't been treating this like a team the past several days. I make decisions based on what I want: I eat the food I want, even if it's my wife's leftovers, I change the channel when I want, even when my wife is watching a TV show, I do the chores that make my life easier, and fail to recognize the work my wife has done to make our house into a home.
Don't get me wrong, this is not a self-pity, I'm a horrible person kind of blog. It's a blog about the faithfulness of God and His willingness to show me where I fall short in the hopes that I will become a better disciple, man, and husband. It is also a public proclamation and invitation for accountability. I don't accept criticism very well, but I am trying. Be patient with me. :)
So, back to God's original question: how bad do I want to be a good husband and how hard am I willing to work to love, honor, and cherish her as Christ does His Church (that was the 'it' in the original question)? I want it enough to take my ego out of the equation. May not sound like much, but it's a big step for me. One of many steps I am willing to take in order to give myself up for my wife...