Monday, February 22, 2010

my shadow(s)

"All of us have a shadow. And most of us spend our whole lives running from it. But the only way to it can be let go is to turn the lights off, and actually face the dark. Only then can you ever truly see the light."

I (Kristin) posted this quote almost a year ago when I tried my hand in the world of blogging.  It was the only post I ever posted, and it was just a quote from the show Grey's Anatomy that kind of touched my heart.  So here I am again, trying again... to blog.  For me, for us, for our future family.

It's ironic, or is it, that this quote still speaks to me intensely.  For the past year to 18 months I've been running from my shadow(s), specifically my insecurities.  This past weekend God forced me to face my fear head on.  A fun night with some of my closest friends turned into a defining moment in my life.

I'm insecure.  I live my life in suspicion of others and their motivations.  I'm carrying the burden or the tension of mistrust and fear on a consistent basis.  

I was sharing my heart with Adam last night... (side note - I LOVE tender moments of conversation just before bed in marriage!) ...and there was this moment when I realized that this is something I need to face head on.  Like the quote says, I need to turn off the lights and actually face the dark.  I don't want to be at the same place a year from now.  I want to resonate with the last part of the quote... to truly see the light in this area of my life.

So my prayer now is that I will be like Moses: in a cleft, covered by God's hand, and I see Him (and His glory) pass by even if it's after the fact.

'I am your shield, your very great reward." - Genesis 15:1